I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
