I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
