This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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