someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
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