I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
