You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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