whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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