she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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