I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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