I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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