Tell her she can't have a vagina
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
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