we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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