I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
