things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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