I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
