dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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