new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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