if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
