My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
