Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
