I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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