Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
