I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
