it was like his penis was on wheels.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
