ttyl tear gas
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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