What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So squirting runs in the family.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Rumble strips road head = magical
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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