I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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