i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Farmville is her only friend.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
