do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
