Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
