you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I have fence marks all over my body
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
