my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
