That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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