i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
