I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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