She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
