While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
