You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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