my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
