So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
