What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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