You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
