i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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