Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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