Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
