this beer tastes like vomit already
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
