had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
im six kinds of drunk right now
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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