i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
