Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
