I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
